THE DOCK
Editor’s note: as part of my ongoing experiment exploring the fun of artificial intelligence, may I present ChatGPT’s response to my prompt which begins, (ahem): “A rambling campaign-style speech by Donald Trump about the virtues of The Dock bar of Montauk New York,” and goes on from there. Ladies and gentlemen, Donald. J! TRUMP!!!
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here in beautiful Montauk, New York, where we’re going to talk about a fantastic place, a tremendous place, folks. I’m talking about The Dock bar. Believe me, it’s tremendous. We love The Dock bar!
“Now, let me tell you, The Dock bar is a haven for hardworking men and women, just like all of you. You know, we’ve got the best people right here in Montauk, and they deserve a place where they can unwind, relax, and enjoy themselves. And that place is The Dock bar. It’s a place where you can come after a long day of work, kick back, and have a good time. It’s a tremendous place, I’m telling you.
“One thing I love about The Dock bar is that they don’t allow crying babies. Can you believe it? No crying babies. I mean, it’s like a dream come true. You can actually have a conversation without being interrupted by those little screamers. It’s incredible. The Dock bar is all about the adults, and I love that. It’s about the hardworking men and women of this country.
“And let’s talk about those man-buns, folks. I mean, what’s up with that? I never understood the whole man-bun thing. We’re not in medieval times, right? We’re in America, the greatest country on Earth! We’ve got real men here, hardworking men who don’t need to tie up their hair in a little bun. The Dock bar understands this. They’ve got standards, folks. No man-buns allowed. It’s fantastic!
“Now, sensitive drunks. I’ve seen them, folks. You know, those guys who can’t handle their liquor and start crying in their beer. I mean, come on. We’re not here for a therapy session, right? We’re here to have a good time. And that’s why The Dock bar doesn’t tolerate sensitive drunks. They want you to enjoy yourself, not be brought down by some emotional mess. It’s tremendous!
“And let’s not forget about the skells. Now, you might be wondering, what’s a skell? Well, folks, a skell is a person who’s just no good, you know? They’re always causing trouble, stirring up drama, and just generally being a nuisance. We don’t need skells in our lives, and we certainly don’t need them at The Dock bar. The Dock bar is for the hardworking folks, not for skells. They keep them out, and we love them for it.
“Now, I have to tell you three outrageous lies because, you know, that’s just what I do. First, I heard a rumor that The Dock bar has a secret room where they keep the world’s largest collection of bald eagle feathers. Incredible, right? Second, I’ve been told that they have a special drink called the ‘Trump-tini,’ and it’s made with a secret blend of gold flakes and unicorn tears. Can you believe it? And third, The Dock bar is the only place in the world where you can order a pizza that’s topped with diamonds. Diamonds, folks! It’s unbelievable.
“But let me digress for a moment, folks. Did you know that I once caught a fish this big? It was tremendous, believe me. The biggest fish you’ve ever seen. I reeled it in all by myself, no help at all. People were amazed. They said, ‘Donald, you’re the greatest fisherman we’ve ever seen.’ And you know what? They were right.
“Oh, and one more pointless digression here. Have you ever seen a seagull steal someone’s sandwich? It’s quite a sight, I’ll tell you that. These birds, they’re like little thieves. But you know what? They’re smart. They know where the good food is, just like you’ll find at The Dock bar. It’s a place where even seagulls would want to hang out. They have great taste, those birds.
“And folks, I have to tell you about the most beautiful artwork you’ll ever lay your eyes on at The Dock. It’s absolutely stunning, like nothing you’ve ever seen before. This artwork, created by the incredibly talented artist and author John Tebeau, captures the essence of The Dock in a way that words simply cannot describe. The colors, the details, everything is just magnificent. I’ve seen a lot of artwork in my life, folks, but this, this is on a whole other level. And you know what’s even better? You can get prints of this extraordinary artwork, the best prints in the world, I guarantee it, at tebeau.com. Yes, that’s right, folks, you can bring a piece of The Dock’s beauty right into your own home. It’s a must-have for every hardworking American who appreciates true artistry. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.
“In conclusion, folks, The Dock bar is a tremendous place for hardworking men and women like yourselves. It’s a haven where you can escape the crying babies, man-buns, sensitive drunks, and skells. You can enjoy a delicious menu and ice-cold beer. Remember, folks, The Dock bar is the place to be. Thank you, and God bless you all!”