Crappy bars: they’re an assault to the senses and the soul. And it’s so easy for a bar not to be crappy — good bars do it all the time — that it’s astonishing and infuriating when I see a place that’s doing it so fundamentally wrong.

In the course of researching New York’s bars and taverns for my book Great Good Places of New York (to be published by Rizzoli in spring of 2018), I’ve visited a lot of spots. Some I’ve known about for years, some have been suggested by you guys, some I’ve read about, and some I’ve just noticed when walking down the street. I check out a lot of joints and it bums me out when a place fails to do it right, or at least half-right. For kicks, let me explain how to do it all wrong.

Crappy Bars Stink

Make sure your place stinks. Literally. (We’ll get to figuratively later.) When a customer walks in, ensure that they’re punched in the nose by a cloudlike fist of stale beer, urinal cakes, and/or toxic cleansers. This is of utmost importance!

According to FifthSense.org, whose mission is “to provide support and advice to people affected by smell and taste-related disorders:”

“Upon detecting a smell, the olfactory neurones in the upper part of the nose generate an impulse which is passed to the brain along the olfactory nerve. The part of the brain this arrives at first is called the olfactory bulb, which processes the signal and then passes information about the smell to other areas closely connected to it, collectively known as the limbic system.

The limbic system comprises a set of structures within the brain that are regarded by scientists as playing a major role in controlling mood, memory, behaviour and emotion.” [emphasis mine] [the British U’s are not]

Smell controls mood and emotion, people. I cannot stress this enough: if your bar smells crappy, your customers will feel crappy. Got it? Good. You’re well on your way to being in the fraternity of  truly crappy bars!

Crappy Music: the Aural Wallpaper of Crappy Bars

If you want to have crappy bars, you’ve gotta have crappy music. It sets the tone!

One afternoon for lunch I walked into a gorgeous old Brooklyn bar which we’ll call J. P. Footsy’s. At first glance the place appeared to have it all: lots of windows, a nice waitress, a gorgeous old-timey wooden bar: the works. But the music was loud. Really loud. And it was HAIR METAL. I asked to “just look at a menu” and stuck it out to see if the next song was any better (it wasn’t) before bailing. Hair metal? Turned up to 11? At lunchtime? That didn’t sit well with me, so I bolted. Gave my business to someone else. I wasn’t the only one, either. The place was empty most days I passed by, loaded only with crappy tunes. Eventually they went under. A shame. Such a lovely place.

Robert Crumb, the great cartoonist and social critic, said:

“I’m a tolerant person… it’s a free country… if they want to listen to obnoxious pop music, it’s their right. But they want to force it on you… you can’t escape from the shit! It’s everywhere! In restaurants, for instance…. Why does it have to be so goddamn loud??“

Yes, R. I feel you. Crappy music makes a crappy bar. Bar owners, if you want your bar to be crappy with a capital C, make sure the music is not just lousy, but LOUD. Remember those two L’s! Lousy and Loud!

Crappy Bartenders: the Keystone of the Crappiest of Crappy Bars

As your front man — your first point of customer contact — your bartender is the lynchpin of the crappy bar experience. To create perfectly crappy bars, make sure he or she is as unwelcoming, unwilling and unhelpful as can be!

Ach, we could go on and on about this, crappy bartenders. There are only two things you have to do to be a decent bartender: make adequate drinks and be a good host. Yes, yes, there are many other tasks and skills you can and might want to learn, but really, those are the top two. Make drinks and be nice. A bar manager friend of mine once told me “bartending is so easy that even bartenders can do it.” Word. Even I can do it, and do, a couple times a week. I’ll forgive bartenders who can’t make drinks very well if they’re good hosts (you can always just order something foolproof like a beer or a glass of wine), but I won’t abide a lousy host, even if he can make a perfect Screaming Viking with the cucumber bruised juuuuuuuust right. I don’t want to be around a person who makes me feel unwelcome when I’m about to give him business. I go to a bar to feel good — or at least neutral — not unwelcome.

Recently, we popped into a place in the Village — a place I’d been to once in the late afternoon a few weeks earlier. That time I’d only had time for a quick beer and really enjoyed my micro-visit, so I vowed to come back and get more of a feel for the place. That I did, and it did not feel good.

The long bar was maybe 75% full when Wifey Mae and I walked in early Friday evening. We made eye contact with the bartender and received a blank stare. We bellied up and he said, as a greeting, “Someone’s sittin’ there” as he winged a coaster in front of the seat to my right. “Okaaaayyy,” I said. I wasn’t taking that seat anyway. I was standing.

“Whattaya want?”

“A beer.”

He smacked a beer list behind him with the back of his hand and barked “There they are,” without looking at either of us, then turned away. So did we, and left.

As a host, that so-called bartender screwed up five ways in 30 seconds:

1. When a guest enters, you greet them with a nod, smile or hello. You’re the fucking host.
2. When someone approaches the bar, you try to show them a seat, maybe even going so far as to ask someone to move over one so that a party of two can sit together.
3. You should make a guest feel welcome, not accuse them of territorial encroachment.
4. A competent bartender hands the guest a drink list or menu automatically, maybe even pours them a glass of water.
5. You should help your guests order a drink and give them your attention, not walk away and leave them hanging.

And it wasn’t even that busy. There’s no excuse for this choad’s behavior. That place is off my list.

Look, a bar doesn’t have to be extra-fancy or make perfect drinks or have the greatest food to be excellent. A sports bar isn’t a cocktail emporium, and a pool-table dive isn’t a wine bistro. They just have to do what they do well and create a good experience — whatever that may be — for their guests. And man… there are so many good places out there doing it right, why waste your time with those that aren’t?

Crappy Bars: Tell Me

Without naming names — at least let’s use clever, euphemistic monikers in place of proper business names (e.g.: “Starbums,”  “McDarnold’s,” etc.) — what are some of your most memorable crappy bar experiences? Specifically, what made them crappy? What advice could you give them to be even crappier? Or, say, better? Would you rather see them inundated with a torrent of locusts or bags of warm cow dung? Would you like to punch them in the throat or the groin? Tell me. I’m listening.