(another post in the acclaimed series “Tips from Framers Abbey Homeland The Wire”)
Everybody’s got art stashed away, collecting dust, waiting to be framed. Under the bed, way back there in the whatnot closet, down in the basement. Cool prints still rolled up in the shipping tubes they came in. Canvases bought at some funky little art fair you stopped by during that vacation in wine country, and you got that weird little painting because you were buzzed on the splendor of the vacation mindset, not to mention the Cabernet Jimmy Buffet. Remember that? No you don’t, do you?
And what about your busted frames? Or the crummy, cheap, outdated ones that you got when you were in college and poor and knew no better? Those need to be replaced.
And artists! You have to frame your stuff. Especially if you’re having a show or you’re displaying your work on your walls. Do it right. Show your craft some respect. Frame it! Don’t make me come after you. Hisssss!
Frame your art, people. Trust me. I know. I worked at an excellent little art and framing store in the neighborhood, KC Arts on Court Street in Brooklyn. The framing staff there knows their stuff. So here we go with part five of Tips from Framers.
Ralph is the boss. His mom started the store thirty-some years ago, and passed it on to him. And you know what Ralph said when I asked him “Hey Ralph. What’s your tip for people getting stuff framed?” No, of course you don’t. But I do. I do because I was there. I do because I was there and I have a memory like a steel trap. And I am going to tell you, because you need to know. And I know you need to know. And I need to tell you because you need to know. And I know this. So I will tell you. I will tell you what Ralph said.
He said, “Use bumpers.”
Bumpers, he said. And bumpers you shall use. Thou shalt not use thumpers, nor shalt thou use jumpers. Humpers are right out. Bumpers is what you shall ask for the next time you have anything framed. You walk right in and you tell that framer — in a calm, steady voice — you tell him, “I will take bumpers on this, do you hear me? Bumpers.” And if that framer looks away, or rolls his eyes, or starts biting his bottom lip and hemming and hawing, you just grab that sonofabitch by the beard and pull him close so he can feel your hot hot breath, and look him straight in the eye, and without blinking you will say, “I said ‘I want bumpers.’ You smug. Son of a. Bitch.”
Oh, and by the way, these are bumpers:
They stick on the back of a frame and do a swell job of both protecting the paint on your walls and offering some grippage, so the piece doesn’t bounce around and get all crookedy when a truck (or Drunk Uncle) goes by or from the occasional mini-earthquake like we experience in Brooklyn.
Bumpers. Ask for them by name.
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